By Urbhez Motafram
The year was 2015. It was just the beginning of 12 th grade. I was an arts student and so I
attended a few lectures and would bunk the other half of the lectures, just like any other
teenager at that time would do. It was vacation time, so I went to Mumbai to spend the
vacations with my cousins.
One afternoon, my cousin’s friends came over to her house and one of her friends, let us call
her ‘J’ (for obvious reasons) I found her to be cute. At that point I was not sure if it was a crush or just teenage infatuation but whatever it was it made my heart rush.
Just around that time, there was a new online platform called ‘Ask.FM’. It was a platform where you could ask the person a specific question and you could choose to stay anonymous. (Just like today’s qooh.me) I was an introvert, so I was thinking of how I could start off a conversation with her and then it struck me.
After a few days I travelled back home to Pune. That is when I sent a question that would make her sort of upset but not a lot, anonymous of course. She responded to that in anger. Just then, I sent her a question which comforted her (this time as me) and then that is how we started talking. Soon, we shifted to WhatsApp and then we spoke over the phone for hours together. Both of us knew we liked each other. At this point none of us knew if it was actual love or infatuation.
After a few months I had to travel to Bombay again for some work. I spoke to my cousin about how her and I liked her, and I wanted to ask her out and that this was my only shot.
We then went over to her house under the pretext of studying for our 12 th boards (we all were arts students so that is how that worked out). She liked the colour blue so I went to a florist and bought 7 white roses and asked him if he can colour them blue. He could. I was happy and nervous at the same time. It was time. We reached her house and I was greeted with her 2 beautiful dogs. Soon after I told her I needed to talk to her about something. We went to another room and that is where I told her how I felt about her, and she told me she felt the same. It was about 3 months since we started dating. We got into an ugly fight. It was my fault and I did apologize. She did forgive me that night. But the next morning I see a text from her saying, “I cannot be with someone who does not respect me and my choices”.
Fair enough. I deserved it at the time. I hurt her bad.
I was broken because I did not want to lose her. But it was too late. I lost control of my mind. I hurt myself by hurting her and that was eating me alive. I could not take it anymore; I had gone into depression and I started smoking to help me numb my pain. It helped me quite well but what I did not realize is how much it is damaging my body and my bodily functions. It started with 1 cigarette a month, then 1 cigarette in 2 weeks until I was addicted and was having 60 cigarettes a week. Yes, it sounds like a lot but it’s the truth. It was indeed helping me, and I was a heartbroken teenager who did not realize there is more to life than love and relationships.
Fast-forward to 1.5 years later, I was still smoking that much. Still regretting breaking her heart. Still cursing myself. Still depressed about the whole thing. Until one day, I was smoking a cigarette and I had only finished half. A thought came to my head. It said, “Why are you wasting your life behind a girl who does not care about you anymore?”
That was it. That was the spark that changed my life. I threw that cigarette out of my hand and decided that the cigarette I just threw was the last one I will ever smoke in my life. It was not easy. I started having bad cravings, withdrawal symptoms and I was even getting more aggressive towards friends and family.
But 5 years down the line, I’m no more addicted. I still am on my journey to quit. It is not easy but I know I am a fighter and I will overcome this too.
A message to the teenagers who would be reading this: Please do not get into any alcohol or drug addictions. It killsyou from inside and you will not know until its late. Talk to
friends, family, visit a therapist. There is nothing wrong in it. Do not hide your problems. Share them with anyone you trust.