By Saniya Somji
Just like that, the sun rose again and I was forced to wake up again. I changed my clothes along with my face. Today I decided I will smile, not too much but just to convince them that I'm fine.
Behind this mask is something I cant show, something that only the darkness, the demons under my bed and my anxiety, hiding in the corner, the blades and pills on my bathroom floor know. It's not always this way. Sometimes it's just plain silence, sitting near the window. Looking out to see how the sky changes colors and with time the silence turns into chaos. It's a constant battle between screaming and silent sobs, it's a battle between cuts or clots, it's about howto find motivation to look up and see the sun or how to find help to walk or run. It's like fearing failure but having no urge to be productive, it's like wanting to scream and tell everyone what you feel but at the same time not wanting to see anyone, it's like you want to cry out for help but dont have the energy to utter even a word, its wanting to be alone but not lonely, its caring about everything but not caring about anything. It's being sane for a moment and losing your mind in the next. It's being in bed all day for weeks together and sometimes being productive for days together.
I wrote and I drew and danced it all away but suddenly one night, I was on the floor, covering my mouth with my hands and sobbing but I didn't want anyone to know again. I started hating my face so I broke the mirror, the pieces of which lay along with my broken soul on the floor. I thought I would run away but wasn't even strong enough to stand. I could see my life flash right in front of my eyes as I downed the pills to take my life. Unfortunately, depression wont leave you so soon so I just passed out, only to know it was serving me breakfast in bed and wont leave as easily as I thought. I was tired and scared at the same time. I was feeling everything at once and then suddenly I was paralyzingly numb. But, you know, i am fine. In the eye of a storm, I breathe. I'm watching the threatening walls of this storm that jeopardizes my rainbow; but the air is still so i can get myself together.